


i've seen dark before, but not like this

by parkersmcu



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Michelle Jones Is a Good Bro, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, someone give this boy a hug PLEASE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22112917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkersmcu/pseuds/parkersmcu
Summary: Peter was having a bad week.No, scratch that. Peter was having a bad month. And he had no idea what to do about it.
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 121





	i've seen dark before, but not like this

**Author's Note:**

> please read!! this work has talks of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. these are from my own experiences, as I have been diagnosed with each of these. if these could be triggering for you, maybe skip this one. it's not too intense, but everyone deals with their trauma differently. stay safe <3

Peter was having a bad week. 

No, scratch that. Peter was having a bad month. And he had no idea what to do about it. 

It had all started a couple of weeks ago. He found himself in a bit of a funk, which was not at all uncommon. Like so many others, he struggles with anxiety and depression due to all the trauma that he has had to experience in his life. Having accepted that he struggles with it, he also accepted to keep it quiet. Besides, these moods usually only last a couple of days. Peter already felt like a burden to so many, and he really didn't want to worry anyone more than he already did with his Spider-man antics and all. 

Peter hadn't really had a bad couple of days in a while. Since he started hanging out with Mr. Stark in the lab, he had been much happier. Even when he had a shitty day at school, he could look forward to seeing Happy's car outside the school to take him to the tower, where he got to hang out with his literal childhood hero. Plus, he and Mr. Stark had begun hanging out past lab time. Peter began eating dinner with Mr. Stark and Pepper at the tower at least twice a week. And he and Mr. Stark had even started movie nights once a week where he would just spend the night at the tower. 

But even with all of those good things, he couldn't stop the feelings that he has tried so hard to repress from coming back up. And this frustrated Peter beyond measure. His life was great. He had great friends, the best mentor in the world, made good grades, and was freaking Spider-man. Why did he feel like this?

So, he waited for these feelings to go away again. And waited. And waited. 

But that never came. 

It was a month later, and he felt like a zombie. Peter would wake up, go to school, attend decathlon practice, work with Mr. Stark in the lab, do homework, go patrolling as Spider-man, then go to bed. He began to find no joy in these things. What was really strange was that his grades began to slip. He would pay attention in class, do the homework, and study, but the information just wasn't retaining in his mind. It was like he was going through the motions with no motivation. 

Even being Spider-man was mentally exhausting. After patrolling, he would crawl in his bed and completely forget what he had done that night. Karen would have to fill him in the next day so he could give Mr. Stark a full report. 

No one had noticed that he was struggling. Or so he thought. 

The first person to say something to him was Ned. Peter had been sitting quietly with him and MJ at lunch. Once again, Peter had zoned out. He was just too tired to engage in any conversation. 

Ned's voice suddenly caught his attention. 

"Peter, you in there man? I've been trying to get your attention," Ned says with a sigh. 

"Yeah, sorry. Didn't get hardly any sleep last night, what were you saying?" 

"Uh, I was just talking about the theories for Episode 9 of Star Wars." Ned pauses and lowers his voice. "You sure you're okay, dude? You seem really out of it." Ned looks worried. 

This is the last thing that Peter wants. He doesn't want to worry anyone. 

He plasters on a fake smile. "I'm good Ned, I promise. I just need to catch up on sleep, that's all." Peter hopes he doesn't sound like he is completely lying through his teeth. 

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I'm not just your Guy in The Chair, I'm your best friend." Ned gives Peter a sympathetic look. 

"I know, man. If anything was wrong, I would tell you. Now, fill me in on these theories. I wanna hear all about it." Peter plasters on a fake smile, hoping that he convinced Ned to just drop it. It seems like he did a good enough job, as Ned begins to start talking about how people online are saying that Finn and Poe are both force sensitive. He tries his hardest to look like he's engaged. He really does. But he wants nothing more than to be left alone. 

_I am a burden,_ he thinks.

***

The second person that says something to him is MJ. It's a few days later, and Peter is about to head out after another decathlon practice of him staring into space and trying to concentrate but failing. Pulling his backpack over his shoulder, he notices that everyone else is already gone, except for MJ. She's sitting at the table re-organizing flashcards. 

He's almost out the door when she stops him. 

"Hey, Peter. Wait a sec." She walks over to him by the cafeteria door. 

"Are you…okay?" She asks as she looks him in the eyes. Her voice sounds more sincere, and her face looks worried. 

"Uh... yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" Once again, he's trying to put on his best face. 

"Come on, Peter. I know something is up. Your grades have dropped, and that's not like you. Is it Spider-man stuff that's messing with you?"

MJ had found out about Spider-man a couple of months ago. Well, not found out. She actually figured it out, and she was very proud of herself. 

"Nothing is going on MJ. You guys worry too much. I'm just a little behind on some schoolwork, but I'll manage. I promise," Peter says with an exasperated sigh. 

MJ rolls her eyes. "I know you're full of shit, Peter. You can't lie to me. I see right through it. She pauses and looks at him intently. "You know you can talk to me, right?" She says gently. Peter has never seen MJ act like this toward him before. Well, toward anyone, really. 

"If something was wrong, I would tell you. I mean it," Peter runs his hands through his hair with a sigh. "Just drop it, okay? Please? I'll pick up the slack on my work. I promise." 

"It's not just about the work. It's about you," She says bluntly. 

Peter stands up a little straighter and looks her in the eyes. "You're a good friend MJ. Really. But I'm good. And Happy is waiting for me outside, so I gotta go." 

Peter leaves before she can get another word in. 

He has to take a breath before he walks outside the building to get in the car. Peter knows his friends care about him, and he's thankful. But it isn't their job to look out for him. It's no one job but his own. 

_I am a burden_ , he thinks for what seems like the hundredth time in the past day. 

***

A few days later, it's May. 

It was Saturday, and Peter was relieved to be able to have a break. He had no plans, thankfully, and he was mentally exhausted. All he wanted to do was lay in bed all day. But, to be completely honest, even if he didn't want to, he would be stuck there. Because that day, in particular, was a very bad day. 

Peter felt more anxious than he ever had in his life. His hands were shaking and his head was spinning. For a moment, he thought that he might actually be physically sick. But then he realized what it was. Just the thought of having to interact with another human being was enough to send him into a complete breakdown. So, he turned off his phone, closed the curtains, and planned to sleep the day away. 

The funny thing is, things don't always go as planned. 

Around 2 p.m., May came into his room. 

"Peter, are you really going to lay in bed all day? Come on, let's go out and get Thai and catch a movie or something," she said encouragingly.

Peter sighed. _Please_ , he thought. _Not today._

He spoke up. "I'm good May, thanks though." He knows he was short with her, and he knows that he shouldn't be. What he _doesn't_ know is that May knows that he's going through a funk and wants to help him out of it. But he doesn't _want_ help. 

She steps farther into his room closer to his bed. "Peter…" She stops herself for a moment. "I know something is going on sweetie. Please just talk to me. Is it school? Is Flash bullying you more than usual? Any Spider-man stuff I should know about?" She questions. 

Honestly, at this point, if lying was an Olympic sport, Peter would be a pro. 

"I'm good, May. Just a long week at school. I'm trying to catch up on sleep," Peter explains, trying to not sound how he actually feels. 

_Please just leave, May_ , he thinks. _I can't do this right now_. 

May sits down on the edge of the bed. "I don't want to push you, but I just want you to know that I'm here. Always." May then runs her hand through Peter's curls. 

Part of Peter wants to open up, wants to just let the damn break and tell her everything. _I don't know what's wrong with me. I am just so exhausted. I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this. I am a waste of space. I am a burden._

But he holds his tongue. He can't do that to her. She already has enough to stress about, and he feels like just going out as Spider-man at night takes years off of her life due to stress. So instead, he smiles at her. He knows it's the fakest smile, but he doesn't have the energy to even try. 

"I know, May. Thank you. I love you." He rolls over and faces the wall, ending the conversation. He hears her sigh and leave the room. Waiting until he knows that she's not coming back in, he lets himself cry. 

_I am a burden._

***

It's the following Wednesday, and it's a lab day with Mr. Stark. Normally, he would be looking forward to it, but part of him wants to cancel on him. Today has been terrible. He can barely form a coherent sentence without stuttering because his anxiety is so bad. He zones out in two of his classes, and somehow, ends up at lunch. He doesn't even remember walking to school. Ned and MJ don't push him; they just let him be. They see him put his head down in every class, and they know that it's best if they just stay out of it. 

He can't cancel on Mr. Stark. He'll know that something is up. But Mr. Stark is also the person that can read him like a book. He won't be able to lie to him. Weighing his options, he decides to just suck it up and go before he can change his mind. Outside the school, he sees Happy pull up. Waving goodbye to his friends, he heads to the car. 

"Hey, kid. How was school?"

Peter sighs. "It was school." He shrugs, puts in his headphones, and sits back the whole ride to the tower. Happy keeps looking at him through the rearview mirror, but Peter just tries to brush it off. _If one more person asks if I'm fine, I am going to snap,_ he thinks. 

Unfortunately, that person ends up being Mr. Stark. 

Peter is working on some of the wirings in his suit when Mr. Stark speaks up. 

"Okay kid spill it. What's up with you?"

Peter is about to lose it. "Nothing."

"Yeah, that's a lie. Come on. Talk to me." Mr. Stark nudges Peter. 

Through gritted teeth, Peter answers. "Nothing. Is. Wrong. Please just drop it." He knows he sounds so desperate right now. 

"Woah, no need for the attitude, kid—"

"Please, just stop! Stop asking me if I'm fine! Everyone keeps asking, and if you can't tell, I don't wanna talk. If you're going to keep asking me, then I will walk out that door right now." Peter stands, and he's furious. Furious at all these people thinking they can help them, thinking that talking about what's wrong will help. It won't. Nothing will. 

"Hey, hey. None of that," Mr. Stark says in a voice that he hardly ever uses with Peter. It's a voice he only uses when he's worried or trying to calm him down. 

Peter is practically yelling now, and his hands are shaking. He walks over to the door. "No, I'm tired of everyone babying me, especially you. Can everyone just leave me the fuck alone? I can't do this anymore, I can't—" Peter's voice cracks and the tears threaten to spill over. No. He can't cry in front of Mr. Stark. 

"Pete, breathe for me okay? What is it you can't do?" Mr. Stark looks terrified. 

"This! I can't break down; I can't let anyone _see me like this_. I-I'm fine I s-swear." Peter is almost out of the door. 

"Please don't leave Peter," Mr. Stark begs. "Just talk to me." Mr. Stark walks towards him, and Peter takes a step back. 

"I have to go. Don't follow me." 

Then he's out the door, leaving Mr. Stark with a troubled look and a bad feeling brewing. 

***

Tony is worried out of his mind. What is going on with his kid? He knows that he needs space, so he doesn't follow him. He called May, filling her in on what happened. She tells him that she will let him know when Peter gets home. 

Now, it's nearly 11 p.m., and he hasn't heard from May. He has a sick feeling in his stomach. There's no way he will be able to fall asleep, so he stays in the common area of the tower. He decides to check the tracker of the kid's suit, but it looks like he turned the tracker off. _Of course. If this wasn't a dire situation, I'd be proud of him for figuring out how to do that for the second time_ , he thinks. 

It's then when he gets an alert from FRIDAY. 

"Boss, it appears that Mr. Parker is on the balcony of the tower in his Spider-suit, and he appears to be in distress." 

"Scan him. Is he hurt?" He questions. 

"Mr. Parker does not seem to have any physical injuries. I would advise approaching him with caution, as he appears to be mumbling and may not be mentally stable." 

_Shit._

He moves, making his way toward where the kid is. Walking outside, he sees him. He knows he has got to be smart about this. 

"Hey, Pete. It's me, Mr. Stark." Tony's hands are shaking. He waits for the kid to turn around. "Wanna come here? It's pretty chilly out here, let's go inside and get a hot drink or something."

He hears Peter mumble something. 

"You gotta speak up, kid," Tony says nervously. 

"I don't know how I got here," Peter says. "I think I was patrolling. And I ended up here." Peter turns around, and he has a blank stare. 

Tony knows what this means. "Hey, it's okay, kid. I think you're just dissociating. It's happened to me before, too. You wanna come here and tell me what's wrong?" 

"Y-yeah," Peter answers, walking towards Tony. Once he gets an arm's length away, he collapses into his arms. He hears him choke out a sob. 

"I-I'm so sorry Mr. Stark. I s-shouldn't have yelled at you, I'm so sorry." Peter almost sounds like he's hyperventilating. 

"Kid, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it. You have nothing to be sorry for." Tony runs his hand through Peter's curls, trying to calm him down. 

"I need help, Mr. Stark." Peter's voice breaks. 

Tony sighs. "I know, kid. It's okay, you're gonna be okay. I've got you. Let's head inside, it's freezing out here." Tony helps Peter up, practically carrying him inside. 

"You're okay, you're okay." Tony keeps repeating to Peter. 

"I got you." 

***

It's a few minutes later when Peter realizes that he's on the couch in the tower. He doesn't remember coming here. He just knew that he had to see Mr. Stark. 

Mr. Stark comes to sit next to him with a blanket and some hot chocolate. "Talk to me, kid."

Peter sighs as tears threaten to keep spilling over. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm not even living anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and everything makes me anxious. It's like I'm drowning, and no one can save me. I didn't want to tell you or anyone because I am already a burden as is. But I can't live like this anymore." His voice cracks at the last sentence. 

Mr. Stark grabs his hand. "Look at me. You are not a burden. You never have been, and you never will be. You hear me?" Mr. Stark looks at him waiting for an answer. Peter just nods his head. 

"And don't ever feel like you can't come to me with these types of things. You know I'm just as screwed up as the next guy," Mr. Stark says with a smile. This earns a chuckle out of Peter. 

"So, here's what we are gonna do, Pete. We're gonna talk to your aunt tomorrow. And then we are going to go see a Doctor and get all this figured out. And find you someone to talk to. You really have no idea how much it helps to just talk about what you're going through. And there's no shame in it at all, okay? 

Peter looks up at Mr. Stark. "I'm really sor—"

"Nope, none of that. You got nothing to be sorry for. All you need to know is that you are going to be okay. I'm gonna make sure of it." Peter just nods. 

"I'm the one that should be apologizing, kid. I'm sorry that I didn't see it sooner."

Peter exhales. "I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I guess I hit my breaking point," Peter shrugs. 

"Hey, I'm glad I was the one you took it out on," Tony winks at Peter. "Now, I'm gonna call May and tell her you're staying here tonight. Go get some sleep. We will talk more in the morning okay?" 

Peter stands up. "Yeah, okay. Thanks, Mr. Stark." Tony just smiles at him, and it's a smile that calms Peter to his core. 

Lying in bed that night, for the first time in a long time, Peter feels that he really might be okay. 

_He's going to beat this, and he is going to be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm thinking of making this a series but who knows. hope you enjoyed, and plz remember that you're not alone!! my tumblr is crimefightingironspider, so feel free to follow me and message me any prompts and requests, or if you just wanna talk and vent! i am a great listener, lol. also, the title comes from my favorite song from the frozen 2 soundtrack, "the next right thing." give it a listen!


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